“My girlfriend told me last night that I spend far too much time texting. I just tilted my head sideways and smiled at her.” Funny? Perhaps. Pathetic? Probably.
The man who sent me that e-mail this week went on to say, “Now she’s mad at me. I don’t understand.” Of course, he doesn’t. He’s never been taught what works and doesn’t work in the “art” of communication, especially during those critical first moments of conversation.
That’s why I found Dr.Leonard Zunin’s discovery so incredibly helpful. In his book, “Contact: The First Four Minutes,” Zunin says the success or failure of any act of communication can often be traced to the first four minutes of a conversation. Of course, you might wonder what’s the big deal. Zunin says, “It is not an arbitrary interval. Rather, it is the average time, demonstrated by careful observation, during which strangers in a social situation — (and I would contend all people in all situations, even business situations) — interact before they decide to part or continue the encounter.”
In fact, if you don’t spend a conscious effort making the first four minutes of every encounter count, you’ll probably come off as disinterested and neglectful. Oh, you may not be “trying” to send such a message, but if you don’t focus on making the first four minutes as effective as possible, people will interpret your actions as sending one of the following messages: “I am too busy for you … What you think/feel/want is not important … You are not worth caring about.”
So what goes into making the first four minutes count? It’s a portion of my program on “The Partnership Payoff: 7 Keys to Better Relationships and Greater Teamwork.” People rave about this keynote and seminar. Click here to read more.
You need to do four things in the first four minutes
1. Project confidence
You know from experience that you do not respond favorably to someone who is self-demeaning or overly apologetic. Such an attitude may breed your temporary sympathy, but it is doubtful that someone else’s lack of confidence will create a sense of warmth or closeness. That being the case, you need to convey a certain degree of self-confidence as a foundation for any successful encounter, new or old, brief or lengthy.
2. Use creativity
When you start a conversation with someone, find ways to tune into his/her feelings. You may have to work through a lot of fluff and facts to get there, but if you can sense someone’s feelings and be sensitive to their feelings, you’ll be ahead of 90 percent of the people out there.
For example, you may sense a person is feeling overwhelmed, even though he says, “Everything’s great.” You may add a supportive and encouraging tone to your conversation. When you sense someone’s feelings and respond appropriately, you come across as far more sensitive and professional than most people who simply stick to their me-me-me agenda.
You could also use your creativity to reveal something about yourself, thus making it easier for the other person to respond to you.
3. Demonstrate caring
To make the first four minutes truly count, show the other person that are you interested - truly interested - in him or her by listening with total attention. No glancing at your iPhone, email, or interesting passersby. Indeed, when you avoid distractions, when you give total attention and when you stay with the train of thought, you will have surprisingly good results with your coworkers, your customers, your spouse, your child and new or old acquaintances. That’s why Dale Carnegie said, “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”
4. Show consideration
In short, focus on what you can do and say so the other person goes away from the conversation feeling better about him/herself. It will certainly happen if you do the first three things listed above, but it also goes a step beyond that.
An awful lot of what you want out of life will come about because of the way you communicate. And if you do a great job on the first four minutes of conversation, your chances of successful communication are immeasurably better.
Action:
Find three times this week to practice the skills listed above in the first four minutes of conversation. Take note of what worked especially well.
About the author:
As a best-selling author and Hall of Fame professional speaker, Dr. Alan Zimmerman is focused on “transforming the people side of business.” His keynotes and seminars are noted for high content, high energy, and high involvement that transform people’s lives and the companies where they work. Click here to learn more about his programs and products, or to receive a free subscription to his weekly Internet newsletter.
Reprinted with permission from Dr. Alan Zimmerman's Internet newsletter, the 'Tuesday Tip.' For your own personal, free subscription to the 'Tuesday Tip' ... along with several other complimentary gifts, go to http://www.DrZimmerman.com.