As I write this, it’s another Monday morning. As usual, the world is shuffling off to work. As usual, Starbucks is busy peddling overpriced caffeine bombs to bleary-eyed yuppies. And, as usual, the boys of the Tour are still trying to finish a golf tournament.
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But here’s the thing: Despite the long, hot summer in the North that helped push rounds played upward in some areas, it’s obvious to this reporter that Mother Nature has turned her wrathful eye toward the Tour. She is quite literally following the Tour around and deliberately screwing with them. It reminds me a bit of Joe Btfsplk, the character in the old “Li’l Abner” comic strip who was constantly followed around by a small storm cloud that dumped rain only on him.
My question is: “Why does Mother Nature hate the Tour?”
We turned loose our crack Golf Course News investigative staff to find out. After hundreds of hours of research and deep background interviews with sources close to Mother Nature, we have finally uncovered the truth: Mother Nature is a golf widow.
“She’s pissed off because Father Nature is always watching golf on the tube or playing over the weekend when he should be cleaning out the gutters or painting the shutters,” says Woodland Willie, a family friend. “She can be one mean Mother when he’s planted in front of the TV watching Vijay and listening to every word that gawdawful Johnny Miller utters.”
Reached for comment, Mother Nature says, “I won’t dignify that accusation with a response, but I will say things might get a little dicey at the NEC Invitational in Ohio next week unless the old man gets off his butt and fixes that leaking faucet in the kitchen.”