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I awoke this morning thinking about the Christmas season (also know as, Hanukkah, Kwanza or Max-Out-Your-Credit-Cards-To-Help-Retailers-Show-A-Profit Day). I’m in my usual state of procrastination about purchasing gifts for my family. My kids want extremely violent video games. My long-suffering wife wants … well, deserves … a supersized Prozac prescription. In short, it’s a typical holiday season here at the Jones household.
But I also was thinking about what I could get for you, gentle reader. You’ve been so kind to me throughout the years. I owe you something really nice. But what do you get for a golf course superintendent to celebrate our joyous holiday season? That question got me wondering: If there was a Neiman-Marcus catalog for superintendents, what really interesting and unique products would they offer?
With that in mind, we’re pleased to present the Chrismakwanzahanukkah Gift Guide for Greenkeepers (available exclusively from Flagstick Enterprises). Here are our top offerings for 2005:
The Golf Version of the Prince & the Pauper Switcheroo. This is Flagstick’s deluxe holiday package this year. Remember the great Mark Twain classic about a poor boy who changes places with the son of the king? I propose to use my magical Golf Course News powers to offer one of you the opportunity to switch jobs with your green chairman (or owner or general manager) for the day. You get to go to a phony-baloney office gig for (maybe) six hours while your boss gets to live in your world for a typical 13-hour day. He gets to deal with semigoofy employees, field 92 calls from salespeople, baby-sit a dying pump station and answer inane questions from idiot golfers all day long. You get to go to a long boozy lunch with your broker, randomly push some buttons on your computer and bitch about green speeds at the club all day. It’s not cheap at $100,000 for a one-day switch, but think of the havoc you could wreak on him in just 24 hours.
The Flaccid Stimpmeter. For just $19.95, you can get a vial of Flagstick’s special potion to apply to the facility’s Stimpmeter that has a unique effect. Every time a golfer picks it up, it instantly becomes limper than a wet noodle. It’s like antiViagara for Stimpmeters. Your green speed woes are over!
The Johnny Miller Remote Control Mute Button. Tired of hearing this blond bonehead yammer about grain, greens that stimp at 15 or whatever other ignorant sewage flows out of his mouth? Now you can silence him – anywhere, anytime – with our Miller mute mechanism. Just $250.00 for the standard model or, for only $499.00, you can have the version that delivers a high-voltage taser jolt to Miller whenever you want. It’s shockingly good fun!
Well, that’s our gift guide for this year. Remember … gifts from the Flagstick catalog keep on giving!
Happy Holidays!