Guest Column: Grapes of wrath

Recently I toured a winery in Palisade, Colorado with a group of fellow superintendents.  It was the West Slope meeting of the Rocky Mountain Golf Course Superintendents Association.  The following night I had a horrific dream about wineries, vineyards and grapes.

My dream began with an official from the National Grape Foundation (NGF) addressing a room full of representatives from the Allied Associations of Grapes.  From his perch of authority, this official proclaimed, “To meet demand, we need to open at least one new winery every day for the next 10 years.”  “Go forth you grape lovers and build vineyards,” he shouted.  This NGF official assured attendees there were enough avid, core and occasional wine drinkers to soak up all the wine they could ever produce.  “The sky is the limit,” effused another official.  He went on to report that wine enthusiasts from throughout the country were lining up at 5:00 a.m. on weekends for winery tours.  He stated with authority that, “As the overwhelming numbers of baby boomers approach retirement, they will have even more time and resources to drink wine.”

From that day forward, it seemed everyone jumped on the winery/vineyard building bandwagon.  In my dream, vineyards became so popular that vineyard based housing communities became all the rage.  Instead of traditional rectangle shaped vineyards, owners hired vineyard architects to design long narrow vineyards.  This design let the owners sell more houses next to the vineyard and demand higher lot premiums.  These owners had little concern for the inefficiencies and increased operating costs created by this new style of vineyard.  They also took the best land for houses and often put the vineyards along creeks and in areas with poor drainage and even worse soil conditions.  It was obvious these new winery owners, their lawyers and bankers were pretty clueless about the grape business.

To manage their vineyards the owners hired professional grapekeepers.  These highly trained individuals all belong to the Grapekeepers Society of America.  These grapekeepers are charged with managing a tract of land, known as a vineyard.  They are expected to grow superior grapes, anywhere an owner decides to plant a vineyard.  The winery owners also built grandiose clubhouses to conduct wine tasting and catered events.  They hired clubhouse managers to run these facilities.  Winemakers, also known as professional grapers, were hired to make wine and teach others the art of wine making.  These winemakers are all members of the Professional Grape Association of America.

In my dream, the winery owners, their lawyers and bankers eventually went from clueless to crazy.  They built wineries and vineyards everywhere, often without adequate financing or business plans.  These wineries and vineyards were built not to meet a need for wine, but to sell houses.  These short sighted businessmen assumed the vineyards and clubhouses were free amenities that would forever pay their own way.  In their opinion, there would always be enough avid, core and occasional wine drinkers and vineyard enthusiasts to pay for these facilities.  These owners were all really in the housing business anyway. 

Sometime during the night, my dream took a dark, ominous turn.   Abruptly there were not enough wine drinkers to keep up with all of the available wine.  Some wine drinkers started to complain that wine was too expensive and a bottle of wine took too long to drink.  Many switched to beer which was cheaper and a bottle could be consumed in considerably less time.  Some wine drinkers developed new interests and quit drinking wine altogether.  Winery tours became less popular and clubhouse catering and facilities were not much in demand anymore.  In fact, you could walk into a winery and get a spot in the tasting room or tour the vineyard almost anytime you wanted, even on weekends.  The winery owners started to discount their wine and catering events.  Discount wars were suddenly the norm.  The owners even started to sell excess capacity online through a company called, Grapenow.com.  To make matters worse, the housing market and the economy went to crap and the cash crunch began.  Winery revenues plummeted while operating expenses remained high.  Grapekeepers had limited operating supplies, old equipment and worrisome prospects.  Alas, the National Grape Foundation estimated that up to 1,000 wineries would eventually go out of business.

I suddenly awoke in a cold sweat and heaved a sigh of relief.  This nightmare could never happen in the golf industry! 

Right?