What’s in a word?

“Hello, friends.”

Like every sport, golf is rich with expressions, phrases and clichés that golfers immediately understand — and cling to — but make the average person scratch their head in wonder. This shared vocabulary brings us together and shows our shared love of the game but can also make golf even more daunting to the non-player. And worse than that, it can be confusing or just plain wrong.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t enjoy our “golf talk,” but we should be careful about repeating terms that are actually falsehoods about how the game is played, maintained and marketed.

Among the worst offenders are the talking heads on television. While their voices drip like honey over equally sugary background music — or carefully whispering — as a player on the other side of the course sets up for a tap-in bogey, they wax poetic, stating facts that have absolutely no scientific basis. Such as …

The grain will really affect this putt. Down grain, up grain, double grain, cross grain. Grain, grain, grain. Now that we’re cutting grass the thickness of a dime, there’s no such thing as grain anymore. They just missed.

It breaks toward the setting sun. Only if that’s the way the water flows. And by that logic, in the morning shouldn’t it break toward the rising sun?

See that tournament sheen that looks like glass? Those greens are on the edge of dying. I wish those commentators were on the edge of dying. The technology we have can easily prevent any “imminent death.” One of the few truths stated on TV about greens was Gary McCord’s infamous line about the Masters, which supposedly got him kicked off the broadcast: “These greens are so fast, it’s like they’ve been bikini waxed.” That statement was simultaneously funny, easy to understand, and pretty damn true. Maybe that’s why they fired him from calling the Masters.

The golf associations don’t help, either.

For the good of the game. If you’re conducting research, building a course in a poor neighborhood or reducing water use, then maybe you’re doing something “good” for the game. Otherwise, you’re just skipping out of work to tee it up with your buddies.

Brown is the new green. No, it’s not. Green is the new green. Check the growth numbers and run to the bank. What color is dynamic pricing?

If you really want to gag, read some of the ads in the golf magazines, especially for resorts.

It’s a gentleman’s game. Says who? What about the women, who now make up about one-third of all players? And what kind of gentleman pees on the fairway, leaves cigar butts and beer cans on the tees and in the bunkers, and doesn’t fill their divots, rake the sand or fix their ball marks? Gentlemen — and gentlewomen — are considerate of others.

The way the game is meant to be played. Did something change? Isn’t the game supposed to be played by getting the ball in the hole in the fewest possible strokes? With no carts, no rangefinders, slow greens and sheep for mowers? It’s also supposed to be played fast!

Signature hole. As at least one great architect has said, “It’s like asking me who my favorite child is.” The signature hole is the one that photographs best for ads.

Links or links-like. Other than in Scotland, Ireland and a few spots on Long Island, the only links are on the resort’s website.

Championship course. My favorite. If it hasn’t hosted a national championship, it’s not a championship course. I’m sorry, your club championship doesn’t count.

And what about within our industry?

Dawn patrol or dew sweepers. No, not the first groups out in the morning. It’s you and your crew. By getting up before the sun and making the course look and play great, you are doing something “for the good of the game.”

There’s nothing faster than crop failure. True. Grass is just a short crop. Save it, save your job. (When all else fails, read the directions.)

Infrastructure, the things nobody else sees. Consider how much — good and bad — can be hidden under the surface. Select your contractors wisely.

Drainage, drainage, drainage. Architect Arthur Hills was right: “You can never have too much drainage.”

My advice: Watch what you say and who you say it to. Leave the pontificating and the BSing to the experts. In other words, speak softly and carry a big moisture meter.