The 2025 Grainys

In 2025, everything was looking calm and predictable, a relative snoozefest (except, maybe, for Rory Mcllroy’s Grand Slam), until the fall, when things took a nasty, downward turn. Have no fear, perfect fodder for The Grainys was found and the results are stunning.

Drumroll please…..

Best Screenplay

Tiger is dating the former daughter-in-law of the current president. If he and Lara tie the knot, that would make him stepfather to golf’s hottest new celebrity influencer, incoming University of Miami freshman Kai Trump. Should Charlie be worried about his spot in the PNC parent/child tourney?

Best Action Movie

Step aside, Jason Statham. Wyndham Clark used a simple 9-iron to break two wooden lockers in the 100-year-old Oakmont clubhouse after missing the cut by one at the U.S. Open. Besides being banned from the club and paying for the damage, Clark must make a “meaningful contribution” to charity, go for anger management counseling, and perform community service … or have a villain role in Statham’s next movie.

Best Special Effects

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s an agronomic mowing Roomba. Set it, start it, see you later. Now, if it could only make good coffee for the maintenance team.

Best Remake of a Motion Picture

Without hitting a shot, Jack Nicklaus may have had his best year ever. After years of court cases, the greatest golfer of all time emerged victorious with his name, reputation and legacy intact, plus a $50 million award for defamation. Lesson learned: never poke the bear.

Best Sound Production

Give the drunken, obnoxious spectators at the Ryder Cup credit for creativity. Who knew there were so many ways to use the F-word? Only Tony Soprano.

Best Actor

Too much exercise may damage the brain! Gary Player declared himself the third-best golfer of all time, after Jack and Tiger. I wonder what BenHogan, Byron Nelson and BobbyJones would say from their heavenly clubhouse locker room? One category Player wins hands down: Ego.

Best Supporting Actor

I don’t remember hearing anything from Phil Mickelson about playing golf, but I sure heard a lot about the perfect coffee, insider trading and grooming his goatee. And he still won $4.3 million from LIV.

Best (actually Worst) Make-Up and Cosmetology

No wonder they took the sign down at the first tee. Bethpage Black was set up so poorly — like a bad facelift on an over-the-hill actor — that we didn’t recognize it. Bethpage Pink?

Best Live Action Short

J.J. Spaun’s caddie, Mark Carens, messed up the winning-putt photos as his man won the U.S. Open. According to one media outlet, Carens danced around the green as if he “was rehearsing for a 21st-century revival of “Singin’ in the Rain.”

Special Technology Award

Add a new line item to your budget: miscellaneous technology. From TruFirm to penetrometers, GS3 to moisture meters, the USGA is rolling out all kinds of high-tech tools to support the superintendent. And charging a pretty penny for them, too.

The Most Predictable Award

Superintendents at USGA championships receive the E.J. Marshall Platter for their dedication, expertise and seamless teamwork with the organization. Far be it from me to take anything away from any of the recipients, but maybe the USGA could dig a little deeper and figure out which one of the year’s candidates faced the greatest adversity and overcame the most vexing challenges.

Best Drama

Finally, a story with a happy ending. It was wonderful to watch McIlroy hit the shot of his life and hold it together on a single playoff hole to claim his first Masters and the Grand Slam.

Best Foreign Language Film

For those of you who find the Rules of Golf is written in a foreign language, you might be right. The Rules official walking with Sam Burns’ group during the final round of the U.S. Open declared “temporary water” but did not grant Burns relief. Yet his ball was in a flooded section at the bottom of a slope in a drainage swale on the fairway. Under the Rules of Golf, “temporary” can include any accumulation of water on the ground (such as a puddle after rain or irrigation). Acting like a true professional, Burns accepted his fate and moved on.

Lifetimes of Achievement Award

They will be missed. Among those we lost this year: Bob Zoller, a decades-long superintendent in Northern California; Dr. Bruce Martin of Clemson University, one of the nation’s foremost turfgrass pathologists; and my friends: Teri Yamada, who for 40 years contributed to Golf Canada, and Judy Bell, a fine amateur player, long-time volunteer, and the first woman president of the USGA.

And the 2025 Grainy Award for the biggest miss and most colossal cinematic flop is awarded to the PGA of America.

Just What Did They Think Was Going to Happen?

The behavior of the crowds at Bethpage during the Ryder Cup was disgusting at best. No matter who you blame — and there’s plenty of it to go around, from the PGA of America to alcohol sales to limited visibility for fans to the U.S. team’s poor showing from Day 1 — golf, which has been on a healthy trajectory the last few years, gave itself a great big black eye.

If this is where the game is going in this age of relaxed social rules, eased etiquette and a more welcoming attitude to newcomers, then I’m going to find myself a more refined sport — like hockey!

Tim Moraghan, principal, ASPIRE Golf (tmoraghan@aspire-golf.com). Follow Tim online at Golf Course Confidential at www.aspire-golf.com/ or on X at @TimMoraghan.