Taking from the best (Parting shots column)

People often ask me where I get my ideas for columns. (Well, actually, almost no one ever asks me that, but I needed a way to jump-start this piece, so I invented that question.) I tell them I simply keep my ear to the ground and my eyes on the prize, and the big idea just magically pops into my head right before deadline.

Yeah, right. Like columnists have a Muse. What would she be called? Hmmm ... Opininato?

Truthfully, I use an age-old writing technique previously employed by folks like William Shakespeare, John Milton, Voltaire and (sorry to my friends who believe in the "literal word") the Biblical apostles. None of these famed writers ever had an original thought in their lives. They simply took things written earlier by others and put a little spin, a twist or some spiffy language on them. I swear Bill Shakespeare woke up every morning and thought, "Which Greek myth shall I rewriteth today?"

The technical term for this is a fancy French word: homage. In English, we call this stealing. The $10 word is plagiarism, but any way you look at it, it’s creatively borrowing the ideas, words or thoughts of others to accomplish a writing goal.

And, it’s a wonderful thing.

I steal from people every time I put words on paper. It’s pretty hard not to let the tone or style of your favorite writers seep into your work. So now, you’re probably wondering right now (or not), who is this dunderhead borrowing from today? Well, the answer is everyone. Allow me to give you a quotable tour of a few of my favorite theft targets … er, I mean writers.

First on the list is America’s greatest author, humorist and wearer of white suits, Mr. Mark Twain. From Twain, I stole the basic concept that humor can be used to make a relatively serious point. In our happy little business, he’s best-known for his observation: "Golf is a good walk spoiled." But, as a resident of Cleveland, my favorite Twainism has to be: "Cold! If the thermometer had been an inch longer we’d all have frozen to death."

I always turn to Twain when I’m stumped for a description or an opening quote. Once (well, several times), when writing about a scientific study or some kind of baffling math-ridden research, I stole this gem from the Man from Hannibal: "Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are more pliable."

Another on my personal list of literary heroes is Dave Barry. You gotta love the fact that this guy won the Pulitzer Prize for fart jokes and stories about goofy stuff his dogs do. Barry taught me that everyday things hold infinite hilarity. He is most definitely not a golfer. The following quote about our sport is evidence of that: "Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing."

I once joyfully lifted one of Barry’s quotes in a story about the merits of undertaking a building project on the golf course by yourself as opposed to buying a prefab unit: "The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store, where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished and put inside boxes."

The third guy on my list occupies the same spot in Sports Illustrated (the back page) that I occupy here in Golf Course News. Rick Reilly is probably the funniest sportswriter ever. Reilly writes regularly about golf and is a living, breathing quote machine. Reilly shows how you can grab onto a small thing and shake all of the brilliance out of it until it screams "Uncle!" One of his best statements about our silly pastime is an analogy to a common playground nightmare: "Golf is the cruelest game because it eventually will drag you out in front of the whole school, take your lunch money and slap you around."

Describing the racial state of our business, Reilly is absolutely at his best: "Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing a black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today, it’s called the PGA Tour."

Last, but not least on my tribute to writers I steal from regularly is David Feherty. Ireland’s quirkiest son might have been mediocre in his professional golf career, but he’s hell on wheels when it comes to prose. Feherty, who writes for Golf magazine and chases players around courses for CBS, simply has a way of communicating to others about the game that appeals to everyone, even hard-to-please superintendents. For example: "Bumpy greens don’t bother me anymore. Since I’ve become an analyst, I don’t see the problem."

But, the man is more than just an observer of golf. He can put words together in a way that’s almost musical (particularly when you throw in the brogue): "No one has ever imposed his will on a golf ball like Arnold Palmer. His swing was always athletic and agricultural, an extraordinary, barely controlled spasm." To quote the Guinness ad: "Brilliant!"

I interviewed Feherty after he appeared at a Syngenta event at the GCSAA show a couple of years ago. I got his contact info and put him on the freebie list for the magazine. A few months later, I bumped into him at the NEC Invitational tournament and re-introduced myself. He said (once again, insert Irish brogue here): "Oh, yer the fella that’s been sending me that magazine and fillin’ my head with all sorts of turfy facts. It’s too damn complicated, ya know." Yeah, Dave, we know.

So, I’ve paid my tribute to a few of the writers whose words, ideas and style are corruptly incorporated into my work every day. But, what’s that mean to you? It means you can do exactly the same thing.

Most superintendents and others that I meet along the way at conferences and meetings have to write short items for the facility newsletters or chapter publications. And they all have one thing in common: They universally hate and dread picking up a pen. If you’re among them, take this advice from a professional word thief: steal … just appropriate articles, ideas and topics from others. Trade subscriptions to your club newsletter with your buddies in the area and simply rewrite what they’ve already done. Grab items you see in Golf Course News or other publications and give them your own little touch. Never hesitate to borrow from a colleague.